I have a confession and question. I was not raised in a church that preached about the Holy Spirit very much. In fact, other than knowing it was part of the Godhead, I had no clue as to Who He is and how important He is in a Christian's life. I thought the Pentacostals had the answer but it felt wrong in my Spirit. Try as I might, I could never speak in tongues unless I chose to speak in gibberish. I prayed and prayed and never did get the ability. Now, I could (and can) repeat word(s) over and over again until they no longer sound like words and they claimed that was the Holy Spirit loosening my tongue but I knew I had done it on purpose. The main reason, I have to admit, is to shut them up. They hounded me relentlessly about this and I just wanted whatever gift God chose to give me. I have 2 problems with speaking in tongues. One is if I do receive that gift, it MUST be 100% given by the Spirit and 0% me. I will not "learn" to speak in tongues. Second, I want to KNOW what I am saying in prayer. How do I know that I'm not cursing Him in another KNOWN language by accident? I revere God so much and He is so holy and sacred that I can't even knowingly say the name of false "gods." King David did the same thing and I am so grateful I made that decision before I found out David did the same oath. I'm not boasting, just giving Him the glory that I made a personal and private vow without knowing others had as well. It validated it for me. I knew that oath was from MY heart and not stealing the idea from someone I have so much respect for. I LOVE David. He was a sinner, a wretch lke me but highly favored by God Almighty. How much hope that gives us!
God gives us what we need, when we need it and He is always on time. While I get it wrong at times, I'm definitely learning to discern His still, small voice and how He guides me in my walk with my Savior. While it only happened one time, I am 99.9% sure I either audibly heard God's voice and if not His, then the voice of an angel. It meant business, the message was crystal clear and I believed it. So much so that I got up and did what I was told to do. It was so real, NOT in my head, that I thought it came from MY David. I know it wasn't him because he wouldn't have used the same words. I even heard my name. I was told to get out of my bed and walk (I knew it didn't matter if it was 3 feet or 3 miles) so long as I walked when I could barely walk to the bathroom. I was severely depressed, weighed 90 lbs at most and that was my "last chance." I was told if I didn't walk that day, I would die in that bed. It could have been that day or a month but I truly believe I would have died. In 2 weeks, I could walk as far as I wanted, gained 20 pounds and my life was changing and others were asking me what I did. When I told them, they all said that's exactly what they thought. There's more believers than we know.
However, when I was 6 I had an incident. I was skating in front of the store next to my grandma's house. It was smooth and safe. My friend and I didn't like going up the sidewalk cos we always fell. I was also what others called the sweetest, lovingest child they knew. If I hurt someone's feelings, I'd cry for days. I had a tender heart and for me to be mean was just so out of character. Suddenly, I grabbed my friend and literally screamed at her and drug her by the arm up the sidewalk and told her we were going to skate down that sidewalk.
All I remember thinking is why am I doing this? What is wrong with me and why am I being so horrible to her! I wanted to stop but couldn't. I finally got her loose from hanging on to a pole and we hadn't gotten but maybe 2 feet, 3 at the very most, away when a drunk driver hit my mother's car and in less than 3 seconds, had smashed (and totaled) the car underneath the area where we were skating. Had we not moved exactly when we did, in the exact direction, we would have been killed. There's no doubt about it. The only word I can think to say sounds flip but think "pancake" and that would be us. The noise was deafening and yet I could hear my family wailing and screeching. They were on their knees, thinking we were dead. I couldn't get her to hear me and I had no way to get to her so she could see we were okay. The neighbor lady was kind enough to take me into the street safely and I didn't have a clue what the fuss was about. I had nary a clue. I wasn't scared or even awed. I just felt awful about being so mean.
Later that night, my mom and g'ma talked to me, asking if I had any questions and asked me what happened and why had I broken her rule about not going to the top of the sidewalk as I was a pretty obedient child but that day, I was NOT nice or obedient. I just asked for forgiveness for it. I don't remember what they told me but I heard the word God and miracle a whole lot for a while. I was 6 but i remember it like it was yesterday. I had been "saved" for at least a year (in my heart anyway) and i knew something had happened, I just didn't know what.
My question is, was this the work of the Holy Spirit? If so, why did I sin and why was I so mean? If we'd gone the other way, we'd still have been in the path of the car. We're talking 2-3 seconds at the most. I learned a lot that day that I need today. Never underestimate the power of a child. They change the world.
God bless. I just wanted to tell you that story. TY for listening.
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