MY STRUGGLE AND SPIRITUAL BATTLE

Many will see this post on some of my communities but I want to reach everyone I can.  It's not well-written and rambling (what's new, lol) but I want you to know for 6 months I've been struggling and I was tried by fire the last 2 months and especially the past 2 weeks.  I felt like such a hypocrite that I simply couldn't participate until I found out if my faith was saving faith or superficial.  Deep down I knew but it was such a major issue and our Savior is going to do what we need.  Now, what I did was 100% my free will choice.  I could have just kept going on, business as usual and for a while, I would, then I'd stop, come back, stop, come back.  Finally, I had to do what I did and during this trial, I felt forsaken and went to some dark, dark places.  But, if you go through this, always remember that our battles were won on a little hill called Calvary over 2,000 years ago and WON!  You will come through it IF you pray through it, trust Him even if it's as small as a grain of sand and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you that you will and when you do, you will no longer have just faith...you KNOW.   Yes, it will always be faith but you CAN KNOW too.  If anyone needs help, contact me immediately.  I will travel this road with you and I will not let you down.  I withdrew and maybe I had to go through it alone cos this was also a Spirit willing, flesh weak battle for me but in retrospect, I really regret not trusting you guys to help me out of shame but, at the same time, by not trusting you, I HAD NO CHOICE but to trust Jesus Christ.  Maybe He knew that.  No, of course He knew what I needed.

Oh, and yesterday a friend called me and said I want you to know that for the last 2 weeks, God put a heavy burden on my heart for you and I knew you were going through a battle.  She had no way of knowing this unless God led her to this.  I was STUNNED and humbled.  Now, read.....

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Hi Family....

I owe you guys a big explanation of my wishy-washy behavior but for sake of you, I had to go through the fire. I promise to tell you what I was struggling with soon but I am on pain meds and I had to stop cold turkey because I'd been feeling something wasn't right. I was obsessing over whether I had enough to my next refill. I wasn't abusing them but, I was deceiving myself. I was and I knew it. The doctor told me I needed to take them 4 x day every day or I'd have no quality and I bought it cos I wanted to buy it. I wanted "justification" to feel artificially feel better. Well, for the past 6 months, I kept feeling convicted.

Let me be clear, I am not anti-medicine. IF you need narcotic pain meds every single day to live a quality life, take them. I do need them sometimes and I will take them as needed. However, I asked myself if I felt sad, alone or down and my Bible and pills were side by side, which would I pick up first. When I finally admitted to myself and God it would be my pills, I knew I had a problem. I quit for 2 weeks cold turkey. I had little to any physical w/d symptoms. Now whether I wasn't physically dependent on them or Jesus Christ intervened and made it so easy physically, I'm not 100% sure BUT I think it was Him. However... I had to go through the Spiritual battle and it literally felt like Jesus Christ and the evil one was fighting for my very soul. I was scared. I was terrified but the peace I had was I remembered for the first 2 years after giving my life to Him totally, I wasn't on them. I knew in my heart my faith and belief was as real as it always has been but our battles really are fought in the Spiritual realm. He was silent during this battle. I felt forsaken and I could not feel His presence. I pushed and prayed through it and well, my faith is rock solid, built on the Chief Cornerstone....Jesus Christ! I've got some amazing things to share with you.

However, I really need some prayers and advice. I had an encounter with a homeless man who wanted to talk about Jesus with me and he's going to be a powerful street preacher one day soon. I'll tell you the story tomorrow but while praying with him, a man who may have been mentally disturbed and I had a very big and ugly encounter. He kept saying we don't need Jesus, he said to let my husband go his way, that the man I was speaking with about Jesus was going to kill me, break my fingers, all sorts of things and for David to go away. I turned into a rabid wolf. I have never treated a stranger the way I did him. I, oh my Living God, even told him my husband was armed and he needed to go away. I even called him satan, people! I'm normally a very kind-hearted person but I have a very low boiling point and whenever I feel someone is threatened that I love or is innocent, I go from 0 to 100 in 0.2 seconds. I have a quick temper when it comes to protecting those I see as innocent. I had some $$$ and told David I needed to find someone to give it to but I didn't know who and meant to pray but well, forgot. Well, God heard me and put that man in my path and the exact right time. I gave him $5 and then I said, I'll give you all I have IF you let me pray with you. He said YES, IN JESUS NAME. He called himself a hypocrite. Far from it. He said he was trying to turn from his sins and was telling me his story so I gave him all I had. Sooo happy to. He then said one of the most powerful prayers I've ever heard and people were watching us. He's backslidden, not a hypocrite and we're meeting him to have a picnic Saturday night. He wants to talk about how to get back to Jesus Christ. Please pray for me to have the right words. He drinks and has a problem with sex. He wants so bad to find a Godly woman but he won't look until he is right. PLEASE pray for Tony big time. I need a prayer chain for him. He's got the spirit and he may not be living right but he is saved, sealed and Spirit-filled but his fellowship with God is broken so he can't see.

Sorry this was so long but feel I owed you guys a real, honest explanation of what I've been dealing with. I was tried by fire and I am so grateful. I couldn't see it through the storm and felt so forsaken, the light was gone in my life. I cried. I screamed. I kicked things and I prayed and begged Him to come back but He hadn't gone anywhere and neither had I. He knew what I needed so I would KNOW for sure I am the real deal. My faith did NOT come from a pill. I am free. My chains are gone. My God My Savior has ransomed me.

If you need to test your faith, don't be afraid. Go through it and if you can't pray (sometimes I couldn't) remember, He knows and like it says in "God is NOT Dead 2" when taking a test, the teacher (Christ Jesus) is always silent. If I had not done this by my own free will choice, it wouldn't have worked. He knew I wasn't gone but I needed to know so, He let me. Now, I feel Him more than ever!!!

GOD BLESS YOU ALL. PLEASE SHARE SO OTHERS WILL KNOW WHAT'S BEEN WRONG WITH ME. I AM POWERFUL AND ON FIRE, NOT ASHAMED AND I, LITTLE OL ME BROUGHT JESUS CHRIST IN THE PUBLIC SQUARE TONIGHT! GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME....ALL THE TIME, GOD IS GOOD!

Advice on how to control temper is VERY much appreciated!!!

I made this meme when Hillary called conservatives a basket of deplorables and unredeemable.  I am conservative but in God's eyes, all of us are wretched and deplorable without the blood of His Son, Jesus Christ.  However, there is not one who is unredeemable, not even her. So please do not think of this as President Trump, why I did this is because it's a man with his finger pointing up toward God.  This is not exalting a man or about President Trump, it's saying we are all deplorable but never unredeemable.  Read First Corinthians 15:1-11 and find out how to be redeemed.  Trust and believe that Jesus Christ is Lord God and our Savior!  We are redeemed!!!!  Glory to the LIVING GOD!