My Dear Family in Christ Jesus,
I have been busy with the holidays, dealing with some moderate PTSD and felt I couldn't celebrate and/or deal with all the Christmas "cheer." I wasn't feeling "cheerful" at all. In fact, I was miserable. I have had 3 major losses in this month throughout my life and I let it steal my joy. I decided to just take a break from social media and my blog, get back to my first LOVE and I did. What is so miraculous is I poured out my heart to God and I woke the next day with joy and love in my heart in a way I had never experienced before. It literally felt like Christ Jesus Himself opening up my heart and all this rotten,putrid goop of pain flew out and I was filled...overflowing...with this intense joy, love, happiness and forgiveness. I felt FORGIVEN. I know I'd already been forgiven but it's like this pain was keeping me from fully experiencing the JOY of our AMAZING GOD YAHWEY. It wasn't Him, it was me (and satan probably had his hands in it) but me who felt too unworthy to really be saved. I assure you if you feel this way too, you are worthy of His love and grace. Well, none of us are "worthy" except by His grace but no matter what horrible things you did that you feel shame and guilt about, do yourself a favor please and forgive yourself. I had no problems forgiving others but myself, NO WAY. I thought I had but He humbled me and brought me to my knees so He could build me up to the woman He wants me to be. Even I see the difference in my attitude and it's not fake, it's love...genuine love and compassion for others. I haven't celebrated Christmas for over 15 years but I am using lights and made a wintry forest that is cheap but I love it and by His grace, I found all sorts of things in my house that fit in perfectly with these theme. Little animals, some trees I got at the $1.00 store, a star, angel and pretend leaves, dirt and rocks.
Today I got a box of Christmas things from my sister and even though her treatment for cancer has caused her wrist to swell and hurt, she built me a Christmas tree from red, gold and white ornaments. She is very critical of her work and apologized that it wasn't "better" but did the best she could. One, I see no imperfections but even if I did, the beauty of her love because she wanted us to have a tree so bad made up for any minor mistake. Maybe I'm different but I tend to look for the beauty in the world, not the ugly. My sister is beautiful. I will use this for life as my tree, not because I have to have a Christmas tree but because of the love I feel in what she did. Oh, and the box was filled with things I could put in my forest. I have an angel on the wall above the star and she sent me a TRUMPET and musical notes.
If you are depressed, literally give it to God. Let it go. It's hard and it took me 4 long years to "get it," but once I did, it's GRACE. You can't live until you experience the fullness of Christ Jesus in your life. It literally felt like a damn burst in my chest. I also know I'll have bad days. I won't always be happy and joyful but now I see past the pain, to His glory, love and grace after the storm. It's just a moment in time. I planned on a full month, He saved me from 3 weeks of pain. Our God is an amazing and AWESOME God!
Be blessed and Merry Christmas. Keep in mind at all times the GREATEST GIFT EVER GIVEN happened on Calvary...SALVATION! Spread it everywhere in First Corinthians 15:1-11. Change the world!
GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
