Redneck Tech Talk
1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
This redneck was parked behind a trailer load of pigs near the zoo in Washington, DC. As the truck drove away--one of the pigs fell out. He walked over and picked the pig up and placed it in the front seat of his truck.
He was sitting there looking puzzled when a policeman walked up and asked what was going on. He told the story and the policeman recommended he take the pig to the zoo.
The redneck was sitting in the same spot the next day with the pig sitting up in the front seat. The cop said "didn't I ask you to take this pig to the zoo?"
The redneck replied "I did and he liked it so well--today I'm taking him to the movies!"
ETIQUETTE FOR REDNECKS
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles - even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back a coffee.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
2. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
GOD BLESS YOU ALWAYS
LIVE, LOVE AND LAUGH BECAUSE JESUS CHRIST...
Died/Buried/Rose
HE IS OUR BLESSED HOPE!
+ + + + + + + PLAN OF SALVATION + + + + + + +
Romans 3:23
Romans 6:23
Ephesians 2:8-9
John 3:16-17
First Corinthians 15:1-4
AMEN!
